Trump Cuts Deal on Crime, Immigration, and Much More
WASHINGTON, DC: In an astonishing turn of events, the White House announced today, April 1, that Donald Trump has struck an unprecedented deal resolving bipartisan divide on a wide array of social issues including DACA, Immigration, Crime, and Social Welfare. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released the following statement on the deal:
The President has demonstrated all the greatest deal-making skills he describes in The Art of The Deal in striking today’s astonishing agreement, which has broad bipartisan support.
The terms of the deal are sweeping. Even the Freedom Caucus, an extreme conservative wing of the Republican party, has unanimously agreed to a broad array of liberal Democratic demands. The deal will:
- Grant amnesty and a path to citizenship for undocumented immigrants
- Release inmates convicted for a wide array of nonviolent offenses
- Ends restrictions on the length of time an unemployed person can collect unemployment
- Relax the restriction on immigration of refugees — even from predominantly Muslim countries.
Despite its long list of extremely liberal policies, conservatives are singing its praises this Easter Sunday. Franklin Graham took time out from his Easter celebration to say, “I’m very pleased that President Trump found a way we could all agree excuses immigrants, the poor, and minor criminals for their sins against this great country. This inspirational deal will no-doubt be remembered in the history books.”
Not everyone is happy about the deal though. Democrats are divided about the one term necessary to achieve all these victories. While some Democrats believe the negative consequences of this single concession are far outweighed by the lives which will be saved, others are appalled at the mere suggestion. In order to excuse the crimes and transgressions of immigrants, foreigners, the poor, and criminals, conservative evangelicals insisted that America execute a single innocent child, Joshua Conner.
Speaking from the American Atheists’ Convention in Oklahoma City, OK, attorney for the Freedom From Religion Foundation Andrew Seidel said, “We at the Freedom From Religion Foundation cannot condone this appalling travesty of justice! Joshua has done nothing wrong in his entire life. How can anyone believe that it is justice to take all the crimes and transgressions of others, heap them on Joshua, and excuse the crimes and transgressions by executing Joshua is beyond any sort of rational understanding. This is no way to run a nation of laws.”
Despite the objections of many in the secular community, legal scholars seem to think that Donald Trump has the necessary powers to execute the deal without the need for legislation. Earlier today, President Trump signed the executive order today in a ceremony in the oval office as the horrified Joshua Conner looked on in fear.
Celebrating this victory for America, conservative pundit Ann Coulter said, “If there’s one thing this Christian nation understands, it’s how to handle sin. The only way to deal with sin is to pile it on a human scapegoat. We’ve been doing this for years in conservative media, but it hasn’t been working. Thank God for Donald Trump. He FINALLY realized that the reason it never worked is because we forgot the crucial step the Gospels taught us. We didn’t execute the scapegoat. This time, we’re going to get it right.”
Senate Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosy expressed regrets for the family of Joshua Conner, but insisted that many lives would be saved than lost. And despite the barbarity of the deal, it was the only way Democrats could possibly achieve so much for so many Americans.
At the time of this writing, Joshua’s mother, Mary Conner was unable to comment on the story because of a non-disclosure agreement with the Trump administration.
